I am living with a husband that verbally abuses me every single day. He tells me that I am stupid and worthless, while other people think I am wonderful. This has been going on for 5 years, and he makes me feel absolutely horrible every day. We have a 5 year-old son — should I stay or leave?
Desperate in New York
Dear Desperate,
Abuse of any kind decreases self esteem. Also, you may experience feelings of lacking of value as a woman and as a human being, humiliation, depression, confusion, sadness, helplessness, anger and a seeming addiction to your abusive husband. You may appear "weak" and unable to get out of that situation.
Well … You know what you have if you stay, and if that is what you want out of life, then make the decision to accept him as he is and develop your life so that he isn't the center of it. Psychological counseling would probably help. If this isn't how you want to spend the rest of your life, then you must be prepared to leap into the unknown and see what life is without him.
As I know, single parenting can be very rewarding for both the single parent and the children. It is also important, however, to see the single parent as a whole person, not an 'empty half' looking for someone to make them whole. The kid can survive through many hardships and he can learn a lot of valuable lessons along the way — what will produce the best maturity in the kid? A home with a value system based upon material possessions but in a conflicted family and dysfunctional environment coupled with infidelity, or a home with sharing, caring, and a happy parent? The kid is learning by mom’s example, but also from his father; the child 'copies' the parents’ model of behavior in couple and family relationships.
Also, it is well-known that marriage is the most important social and personal relationship for health, but unfortunately, the wedding ring cannot guarantee this good health. Maybe it is the time for you to start thinking about forgetting the money and /or material confort, rebuilding your self-esteem and emotional health, and trying to ensure that your child experiences a loving and caring emotional environment.
It's your life — isn't it time to reclaim it?
Stay or go. It's your decision, my friend.
Either one may be the one that works the best for you.
Good luck to you, and please take care of yourself.