I have been in a relationship with a woman for over a decade, and she is obviously taking advantage of me in many ways. The relationship started badly in the first place, as we met while she worked as a topless waitress and as a prostitute. The theme of paying her for affection hasn't let up, either, as I have lost almost a million dollars to her need for a certain lifestyle.
She has been promising for years to move in and get married (and has since withheld any sexual activity for that very reason — for 8 years now), but has yet to move into my new (and expensive) townhouse. She has been living with a close female friend, citing her friend's sons (who she helps to raise) as reasons to stay apart from me.
My hopes (and money) are being further depleted with repetitive drug-use (abuse) by the two women; the ensuing need for money when responsibilities (jobs, etc.) are neglected in favor of drugs is mounting as well. In a particularly horrifying example, this woman convinced me to pay for her three-month stay in a rehab center (for cocaine addiction) that may or may not actually exist (and she could not be contacted during this time either).
What should I do? I want to know whether you think that the woman really does love me, or if she is just hanging around for the money. Should I stick-it-out with the hopes of her moving in and things turning around, or is the situation just too far gone to hope for? Should I then leave?
David from Chicago, IL
Dear David,
The simple fact that you’ve started to ask yourself these very important questions shows that you’ve become aware, and admitted that, something is wrong with your loving relationship, and it is the time to make a decision and make changes in your life. I would say that it is "better late than never.”
People that have been emotionally abused and manipulated, as you have, don’t see a lot of red flags that others see, because that way of life is more “normal” for you. In this case, love is nothing more than pain.
But love is the holiday of life. I mean TRUE love. When we love, most of the time we are caring and attentive to our mate’s needs and wishes rather than our own needs and wishes. When we are NOT IN love, when we don’t love, we often are more attentive to our own needs and wishes.
From your words, I can understand that your girlfriend has proved this through the years —
it looks like she not only has taken into account her own needs and desires, but has also discovered your weak point and is taking advantage on you, and of your money. Her preference to stay and live separately from you is more proof that she doesn’t need you in her life — but she needs your money.
In my opinion, there is no doubt that your girlfriend doesn’t love you FOR REAL anymore (I wonder if she ever did FOR REAL). This is not love (or at least it is not as normal healthy people would call it). When you love somebody UNCONDITIONALLY, you don’t take advantage of them through money or other interests, material or non-material. Money and these other interests exclude the TRUE love. Besides that, let’s not forget about the context in which you met her in the past, and about her mental health problems, personified in the cocaine addiction, etc. If these kinds of people don’t solve their emotional problems in the past they usually have troubles later in life, and make trouble for others in their life; this is especially true in their couple and family life, because they have brought with them into the couple and family their own, unsolved past problems. I don’t think that you need that, David.
Sexuality is in the center in any loving relationship. I understand that you haven’t had sexual relations with your girlfriend for years, and this is more proof that not only does she not love you, but that she doesn’t need you in her life, either. Moreover, considering that she asks for money from you (and that being the major interest regarding you), I could say that she consciously (or PERHAPS unconsciously) has been trying to manipulate you. Often, manipulative women use sexual acts in the context of power games, as a way to subdue her partner’s power — to belittle him to an object stage in extreme cases (sexuality is an unconscious stake of power in the majority of couples). Abstinence, which is more or less declarative, is obviously her “weapon.” We can be sure that these attitudes and behaviors that she uses in order to reach these goals wouldn’t have any effect if they were not a form of addiction. Emotional and/or sexual addiction, besides the mental confusion and self-doubt already mentioned, is another “weapon” that is often used by manipulative partners. Any emotionally-addictive person prefers to have an inadequate partner in the couple rather than have no one — you may feel addicted to her, and from this comes a feeling of imprisonment in this relationship, from which you cannot escape.
In every loving relationship with a manipulative person, self-esteem struggles for survival as trust in our own abilities disappears and normal self-confidence and self-respect are demolished within the relationship, even in the early years. This happens because most of the “victims’ miss-out on the love of oneself (known as self-love). This lack of self-love is the entrance though which the manipulative person will try to infiltrate the other’s heart and life. The “victim” expects, unconsciously, that his partner will fill in this lacking, empty space. However, unfortunately, this empty space is like a broken pocket, which cannot be refilled without being repaired.
To recap, although it is said that “love is blind,” and makes you capable of anything, to keep in this unhealthy relationship would mean to keep building your love and happiness on a foundation that is nothing more than a sand castle.
Each of us has his own definition of love, but most people agree on the following point: another’s love for us is supposed to be uplifting, making us stronger, and stimulating each of us to be better and more vivid, leading to our growth as human beings… another’s love is supposed to lead to more love of ourselves.
But sometimes the heart knows of reasons that the person doesn’t know, and when we TRULY love, we are capable of many things; sometimes we put these things in practice even at the risk of not being ourselves anymore.