I am a happily married mother of a girl, 9, and a boy, 7. My problem is my sister is married to a pedophile. “Frank” went to jail after pleading guilty to sexual interference with a young girl (not his first offense). My sister and Frank have no children and live five hours away. They plan to visit us but not stay at our house.
My husband and I are worried about how to handle this. Our children don’t remember Frank because he has been “away.” How do we make sure they are safe? Do we tell them to stay away him and then explain why — or reinforce what we have already taught them about inappropriate touching? It’s a given that everyone will be on “red alert” the entire time he is around.
This is especially difficult for me because I was sexually abused as a child. I know how quickly and easily predators can do things to children. With professional help I have dealt with my past so I could be a healthy parent. How can I get through this visit with my sanity and my children unharmed?
Debbie from Dallas, TX
Dear Debbie,
Without any doubt, a child being exposed to sexual abuse is the nightmare of any parent. That’s why your vigilance and worry in protecting your children is not only justified and strongly recommended (considering your brother-in-law’s criminal record), but also understandable, especially considering your own traumatic experience in the past.
Telling your kids to stay away from their uncle and then explaining to them why could be a good solution, but, in my opinion, there is a strong possibility that your children may not understand why they have to stay away from their uncle, as well as an increased chance to create a tense climate and/or even an embarrassing situation.
You can protect your kids, as you’ve said, by reinforcing what you’ve already told them about inappropriate touching. Help them to understand and explain to them that their bodies are their own; that no one (NOT EVEN A RELATIVE OR A FAMILY MEMBER) is allowed to touch the ‘private’ parts of their bodies; that they have the right to say ‘NO!’ when their preferences (of any kind) are violated, and caution them to immediately inform you if uncle Frank, or any other adult, wants them to do something that they don’t feel appropriate doing. Also, teach your children that any kind of sexual touches from another person, even from a family member or a relative, as uncle Frank is, is wrong and against the law. This fact will give them the confidence to assert themselves against Frank, and any other adult, who might attempt to abuse them.
Try to develop strong communication skills with your kids and keep an open line of communication. It is important that they can talk to you about anything that might concern or bother them.
Abusers and pedophiles choose children as their targets because kids are so trusting. Knowing that kids thrive on the approval of the important adults in their lives, they often tend to engage in relationships with adults that they feel will bring them that approval. Assure your children that they are accepted and loved UNCONDITIONALLY. If your children know and feel that they are accepted and loved unconditionally by you and by their father, your husband, the probability of being pressured into a sexually abusive situation for acceptance is very low.
Considering these precautions and keeping a constant and vigilant eye on your kids during your guest’s visit will protect your children from any potential sexually abusive situation.