In Search of ... Perfection by Lydia Proschinger
Let me start this column by congratulating you. You are just fabulous and I love getting your responses! I’m so happy and grateful that you communicate and open up to me about your challenges, which you’re not afraid to say are also sometimes related to the personality you have. Thanks to you, I have been overwhelmed with responses. I invite you to send me your questions to the above-mentioned email for one reason, and that is because I can then have them all in one place. I know that you come from all four corners of the Internet, but for me to get organized it would really help!!! So, thank you and keep reading because I have something really special in store for you. Today’s column is based on something high-achievers have, and something they struggle with; it tortures high-achievers, and it is thanks to your responses that I will now be able to write about this for the benefit of many. You’re fantastic and YES, YOU DEFINITELY CAN DO IT!!! Here is why:
One of the questions I recently received was about what one can do when the level of frustration builds-up along the way, and one can’t seem to get anything right — nobody around the own being (in the close surroundings) can get anything right, and when all that takes so much energy out of the self and others, joy gets lost and enthusiasm gets sucked into the downward spiral of depression.
I won’t be able to go into specific situations in order to answer you, and I also want to be fair in not mentioning private details or names, and as such I will keep it general and will only reply to you in private to any questions you may have that are not touched-on in this column. Also, it took quite a bit of space to reply to this particularly important question, so I feel this column will exclusively centre around this complex matter. It involves various aspects of self. What I call it? The “Perfectionist Self-Sabotage Personality,” or PSSP for short. This poem talks about the past, present, and future of perfection and is inspired by the spiritual being that has a seat in such people, but who may not always be very appreciative of their own self.
Perfection
Yesterday creation lump of clay molded moist and full of life breathing in the potter's hand master piece receiving beauty and youth sinful deceit perfection lost but not forever
Today perfection distant memory global fading of autumn colors wilting leaves shortened days in winter I crumble as I dry I break and then I die the knowledge ignored will keep brilliant minds in shadows of ignorance
Tomorrow perfection resurrection second creation death by sin a distant memory of an archenemy promise fulfilled by the God of love to all mankind though not all want to know
It took me a while to realize that perfection is something I wouldn't achieve, ever. I was told when I was a child that perfection didn't exist and that all I could contend with was being as good as I can be. I would get frustrated over little things, get upset over every detail, procrastinate and never get started on anything before the concept was perfectly anchored in my mind, because – after all – I thought that perfection was not really something so unattainable. Here is my thought on that:
Some high security doors require that you have a highly secured key. Nobody without that key can enter. That key is perfectly made just to fit that one door. You enter in through it because you have that one key and there is no other key that is the same.
You're the same kind of key: You have that one unique DNA, that one finger print, that one iris that is testifying your own uniqueness. Isn't that a degree of perfection already?
Of course, I still have a tendency to be extremely impatient, and still get really frustrated when things don't work out the way they were intended. I know now that I have gained some insight into what used to set me up for self-sabotage and the lack of faith — people who don't really become successful are highly intelligent and, as those who are successful, have amazing minds, but they, for some reason, focus-in on what doesn't work out well rather than on what IS working, they look to what they don't have and don't see or value enough what they DO have. In other words, they are lacking the most important qualities in a successful person, which are gratitude and perseverance.
Now, the reasons are many but for sheer curiosity I have asked people around me whether they are observing perfectionist tendencies within their own being. They could tell me a lot of things but those who have admitted to that trait of perfectionism actually did tell me that they realize that it doesn't serve you at all times. It doesn't protect you; it doesn't help you get to where you want to be ant faster. It even costs you time and energy, and perhaps even causes a loss in your own courage and self-esteem. Now let's take this moment to ponder on the difference between a high-achiever and a perfectionist.
You may want to ask what that difference is, and there sure are many traits that will make a high-achiever seem like a perfectionist, but there is a fine line, and that is what I want to bring out in this article. For those who feel they benefit from reading about it, I would love to hear about how you will tackle your perfectionist traits and be on your way to becoming the high-achiever that you truly are when you're not a perfectionist.
Now, what's a High Achiever? It's someone who really digs into his potential and works on it, trains it, until he has perfected it. By doing this, everything is possible to obtain, outcomes reflect his potential and are as near to perfection as possible. For him to obtain that level of perfection he doesn't shy away from any effort. It's a quality that is so inherently connected with his desire to reach the level of happiness and achievement that it becomes a driving force in him, and without being too unrealistic, he keeps it in a healthy measure for himself and others around him.
He understands when perfection needs a little more help. That's when the outcomes are shadows of the results that truly represent his potential. But until that result can show he knows he has to pass by a path that is called "train your skills."
He does that daily. He gets good at it. Each day he does just a little more, tomorrow a little less to rest. This incremental increase gives him what he knows will bring him to the next level. Then he focuses-in on perfecting his skills; he becomes an expert in what he does and enhances his vision of his own being as he learns and gains insight of the workings of what he acquires as skills. The biggest part, as such, he has already done.
However, to be really, truly successful when you have that level of skill you must only polish and refine. All of a sudden, people start to be jealous, start to threaten you, avoid you like the plague, give you ridiculing remarks about how “all of a sudden” you don't seem to be "like them" as you standout, or, in other words, have left the territory of mediocrity.
Ask a diamond cutter and he will tell you that it takes 57 cuts to make a solitaire. If by then you have mastered the skills, have endured, and have achieved the results you want to achieve, then you are close to perfection.
It helps, of course, to have a fair amount of lucidity about what your reality is. To become aware of the fact that you let perfectionist tendencies get in your way is half the path to success. If you realize that you are so focused on your goal that you are spoiling your own enjoyment on the way there, you will then save yourself the hassle of reaching your goal with a burnt-out feeling of emptiness. The question: What sense does it all make, if I don't enjoy my success? How many of you have let feelings of inadequacy significantly slow you down or even stop you from doing something, just because you started comparing your own efforts with the efforts of others? When the level of perfection was not reflecting the potential you felt you had, did you start beating yourself up for not being as good as you should be? Or did you have patience with yourself and understand that the current results were still a reflection of your growth process, and the manifestation of your hands working-out what your mind had conceived?
Does the work alone not testify that you are capable of doing what you are striving for, and that all it takes is to keep going is enjoying the ride whilst being careful that your drive and the level of ambition you have doesn't poison you with the sore element of "lack," rather than feeling that each day adds to your growth and refinement?
You knew what was needed and added it to keep going. How many times have you had the chance to look at yourself and appreciate yourself for everything you have done and did well? How many times have you had reflection in order to change approach, and did so when you got started on what you do? This is a sign of a high degree of flexibility and it will allow you to be amazingly successful if you allow yourself to be.
As long as it is necessary for you to get to that desired level of perfection, will you now go on happily, or will you say after one or two moments of frustration that you simply are not good at it and would rather go and do something more suited for you?
You go out of your way to find the resources that you need to make it happen, you learn the best practices, and what you need to be aware of is when perfectionist tendencies begin to creep into your mind, in any shape or form. You should remind yourself of Lord Farkward, the character in the Shrek movie, who's in search of his perfect princess not because he wants to fall in love and have a beautiful family with an equally beautiful wife, but simply because he wants to be king so badly that, having no kingdom of his own, desires to marry into one.
Now, while he's being badly ridiculed for his short stature, he is standing tall for all it takes to be an anti-hero — pun intended. In an animated movie, this sort of stuff is cute; not in real life. It's not even funny, if you think on it, that he would have the same tendency as you. Would it help you, the perfectionists, to move on and lower your levels of self-torture, if you would say: I don't want to be like that, I am a good and very loveable character, I’m not going to get married to a kingdom.
But, in a figurative sense, you are. Think of the project or whatever it is you're creating as this kingdom you get married to; with such effort and energy, isn't that scary? Don't you have to love it first? Don't you have to give it the kind attention it needs to grow, and at the same time display patience with yourself? Discipline, yes, but no self-beating and agony-creating pressure that tortures you inside while you're supposed to enjoy the ride!!!
What's needed then is, and I don't exclude myself in saying, to learn to relax and accept ourselves.
The perfectionist's self-worth dilemma is really that he strives for perfection and each time he achieves it, he pushes further the limit of that perfection to more and more “perfect” ways. Perfectionism can be a healthy quality but not when it gets to a point of feeling always unable to fulfil one’s own expectations.
Chronic perfectionism is driven by deep-seated feelings of inferiority and self-hate. It reinforces a negative self-image, a self-loathing which will put us down when performing tasks or fulfilling goals. It can become intimidating, unpleasant, and really unfair to our own self — if the perfectionist tendency is not tackled with a good sense of humour and a healthy portion of distance to what we know, it can devour us on the spot.
I heard someone say the other day, and he's outrageously successful, that “anything worth doing is worth being done poorly.” This can help you with problems of procrastination — allow yourself to make mistakes and do whatever it takes to get more comfortable with it, and then incrementally increase the ease with which you are doing what it is you try to achieve. Being driven and having this perfectionist vein can prove to be a double-edged sword, rather than two sides to one and the same coin. Success is one side and failure the other. One is a driving force; the other is holding you back. Which one is a more useful side for reaching your goals?
By all means, striving for excellence is something very fulfilling and it gives you rewards, be them professional or personal, and life is built on that principle of pursuing pleasure and avoiding pain. When you have determined in your life to no longer accept anything less than perfect, your emotions are close to the outcomes you desire and fuel the passion that's attached to it. Passion is good but it needs taming, just as fire can warm your body or burn it. Essentially, what you want to attain is a real good balance between the reality and your own perception of how successful you are, as well as the efforts you make. If you have time to improve and the willingness to continue then you have two very important factors that aren’t present in those who gave up when the first two attempts didn't work out.
Don't let your inner peace be wrecked by your ambitions, don't let it devour you and become a stumbling block. It isn't just all or nothing, black or white; it's not that every dust particle will taint your outcome and leave it to perish; it isn't that your goals are unrealistic, they just need realistic time and effort, and both of these are measured by how much you enjoy what you're doing.
Learning to detect perfectionist tendencies will help you to deal with them, and give you a boost in the level of joy you can feel. I will post a few of the criteria by which you can identify whether or not you are prone to setting yourself up for a painful experience when pursuing your goals.
What's making you think that you’re a perfectionist?
- You get defensive easily.
- When just the thought of making mistakes makes you angry.
- When you get really impatient with people around you.
- When others can't do right for you, ever.
- Quickly feeling depressed about errors.
- Feelings of not being adequate.
- Low self-esteem and feelings of not being good enough.
- Black and white thinking.
- You consider everything to be all or nothing, and
- If it's not right from the start, it's going to take you a greater effort to continue.
Some measures to take in such situations:
- Realize that you are that one perfect key that opens the doors for your own life.
- Lower the pressure by accepting yourself and what you do.
- Express appreciation for what you do.
- Feel grateful for what you have, rather than looking to lack and what you have not.
- Enjoy small steps along the path to success.
- Lower your standards temporarily so that you can actually achieve them, celebrate,
and then take yourself to the next level.
- Realize that it doesn’t require a super human effort to achieve what you want to achieve.
- Trust that others know that you do your best and accept they do that also.
- Don't let doubt linger, but allow that sparkle of a diamond to shine through each time you continue to chip away at whatever it is that you're doing.
- Count the costs of what you have lost because of such tendencies and then
- Observe them and keep a journal to increase the appreciation of your sincere efforts.
- Think of Lord Farkward and his short size, but don't think little of yourself!
I wish you lots of success and know for sure that YES YOU CAN DO IT!!